just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize