I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
