So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
