All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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