I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
