Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And then my night got REAL pukey
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
