Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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