the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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