Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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