Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
