I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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