A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
