I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize