He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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