last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think your dad took our porno
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
