Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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