so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
