i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
