I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
