if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
