I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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