I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
