It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
