Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
