After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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