I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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