i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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