Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
