from now on my penis is your penis
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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