he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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