nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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