i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
