drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
