You tried to poop in the sink last night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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