Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize