You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
