I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
