worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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