I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
