I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
