I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
