Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
