I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
