stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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