know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
