Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
