Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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