He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
