Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
