You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he thought i was a dude.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
