The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
