She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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