Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
