My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
