I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
