well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
