This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize