Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
