I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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